


A letter from a labyrinth fan

by NeedleandChess



Category: Labyrinth (1986), Wintersong
Genre: A SMALL RANT
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-17
Updated: 2017-04-30
Packaged: 2018-10-20 04:44:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10655178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeedleandChess/pseuds/NeedleandChess
Summary: RIGHT I HAVE LOVED LABYRINTH SINCE I WAS THREE YEARS OLD BITCH I AM NEARLY SEVENTEEN AND I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH THESE CHARACTERS SO IM GONNA SIT HERE AND SCREAM PLEASE FEEL FREE TO JOIN IN THERE WILL BE SWEARING DONT OPEN IF SENSITIVE TO THAT BUT OTHER THAN THAT READ MY AGGRESSIVE LOVE FOR THIS MOVIE AND SOME OF THE PROBLEMS I HAVE WITH PEOPLE.ALSO A SECOND CHAPTER ON EASTER EGGS AND RIDDLES AND STUFF IF YOUR INTO THAT.(This rant includes: movie, fandom, and book by A.C.H Smith. Wintersong by S.Jae. Jones is briefly mentioned as well).And also a theory. It's a shitstorm of labyrinth passive aggression.





	1. Chapter 1

HI

AS THE BIO SAYS I'VE LOVED LABYRINTH SINCE I WAS A THREE YEAR OLD. I WATCHED IT RELIGIOUSLY LIKE A GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BEDTIME STORY AND I KNOW THE SCRIPT BY HEART DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR A HATER IM QUITE CERTAINLY NOT.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK ARE THE FIREYS.

WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT.

THESE BITCHES  _DISMEMBER_ THEMSELVES AND TRY TO DO THE SAME TO SARAH AND IM NOT MEANT TO HAVE NIGHTMARES?? EXPLAIN PLEASE??? LIKE THE BIT WHERE THE FIREY IS LIKE "hahaha snake eyes" AND PLUCKS HIS EYES FROM HIS HEAD AND DIGESTS THE FUCKERS AND THEY END UP BACK IN THE CORRECT SOCKETS FULL FUNCTIONING? HOW DOES THE FIREY DIGESTIVE SYSTEM WORK? WHAT?

(Don't tell me they're just puppets. Don't. We're passed that).

RIGHT AND HOW EXACTLY DOES THE HIERARCHY WORK IN LABYRINTH? WE ALL THEORISE JARETH IS FAE, ITS CONFIRMED IN THE FOLLOW ON COMIC AND THE MOVIE NOVELIZATION AND THE SHITTY RENEDITION KNOWN AS WINTERSONG BUT LIKE LISTEN TO ME FAM LISTEN EITHER JARETH WAS VOTED IN (unlikely, goblins are repeatedly stated as too stupid) OR JARETH IS ROYALTY AND GOT THE SHORT STRAW (more likely and practically canonized I mean come on).

If we take wintersong (and I don't know why we would, as lovely as a book as it is it should never have been sold under the pretense it's Labyrinth related) Der erlkonig happens when an idiot gives his soul for immortality and can only pass it on by giving another the same deal.

Y'all have met Jareth right? That shit didn't happen. If it did, explains why he's bitter, but he's a bitter bitch anyway and no fae deal did that.

Which leaves it to another royal. Now you say to me "but it's his labyrinth so maybe he appointed himself". And I say to you, touché, a good point. He repeatedly states it's his labyrinth. BUT IS THAT BY CHOICE?

In the A.C.H Smith novelization, Sir Didymus is quoted to ask Sarah if she'd prefer to visit another castle for a longer quest and is rather disappointed when she chooses the castle in the center of the labyrinth.

POINT ONE ABOUT THIS: when the worm says "if she'd have gone that way, she'd have gone straight to that castle" the path probably went to a different castle as Sarah literally said "I have to get to the castle in the center of the labyrinth but there aren't any turns or openings it just goes on and on". The worm was aware of the quest. Stop making the worm look like a massive troll in the fandom #2k17.

POINT TWO: Jareth is dejected when he doesn't get Sarah ergo he steals Toby a second time and it is said his kingdom mock him (reference to comics). Which means people don't like him. I'm just saying, Jareth is a whore, probably passed off the wrong family, got demoted to Goblin King, thought he was golden (hahaha hoarde of minions), realised it was boring as fuck, kidnapped kids, lost that one time, remained depressed and "Prince of the land of stench".

Enough on my theory and questions of hierarchy, there is more screaming to be done.

DEAR FANDOM WHY DO Y'ALL NEVER FINISH YOUR GODDAMN FICS LIKE JESUS. WHY IS THERE NO NEW FICS OR FANART OR HEADCANNONS. WHY ARE ALL THE GOOD ONES NEVER UPDATED. WYD.

ALSO:

THE LAST LINE OF THE POWER REFRAIN IS BULLSHIT. IN FACT, FUCK IT, ITS ALL BULLSHIT.

"Through dangers untold"-bitch that boy watched your every move until you ended up with the garbage woman and got too cocky your dangers aren't untold chill out.

"And hardships unnumbered"-k but pretty much all your hardships were "it's not fair!"-And "TOBY!". Not saying for a second that Sarah isn't brave but like there's not much you didnt bring on yourself and like Sarah herself said to Hoggle "Its not fair!" "No it isn't, but that's the way it is".

"I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the goblin city"-No issue with this line. Not really beyond the goblin city that implies you travelled miles, but I'll give you this one Sarah.

"To take back the child you have stolen"-Ditto.

"My will is as strong as yours"-You're both stubborn assholes I accept that.

"And my kingdom is as great"-Powerful words accept you don't  ** _have_** one.

"You have no power over me"-THE CRUX OF MY ISSUE, YES THE FUCK HE DOES. HE STILL FRIGHTENS YOU. HE STILL HAS YOU RUNNING AROUND IN CIRCLES I MEAN WHAT HAPPENED THREE MINUTES AGO IN THE ESCHER ROOM, MONOPOLY? NO. BE QUIET HEATHEN. EVEN IF HE DOESN'T, IM WILLING TO ACCEPT HE DOESN'T EVEN THOUGH I DON'T LIKE IT, HIS WORLD DOES. GODDAMN IT ALL YOUR FRIENDS MAGICALLY APPEAR AT THE END SO THERE IS STILL POWER OVER YOU AND ITS HIS KINGDOM ERGO HES STILL GOT AN EASY ROUTE OF MANIPULATION IF THIS WASNT PG RATED.

("Sarah be my queen"

"Ew no"

"I will literally kill Ludo"

"Send Toby home"

"K. Done. Marry me"

"Ew fine save my friends"

DO YOU SEE HOW EASY THAT ENDING HAPPENS AND IF THE LABYRINTH CREATURES CAN VISIT SARAHS MIRROR, SARAH CAN VISIT TOBY FUCKING FIGHT ME BUT THIS IS NOT THE REASON WE ARE HERE)

MY MAIN MAIN ISSUE WITH THIS SHIT,

_EVERYONE IS HOMELESS NOW._

"No" I hear you say. "They all re-enter the labyrinth at the end of the party"

And I laugh at you foolish mortal and then cry.

_Jareth is willing to kidnap and transform goblins into lesser beings. Is willing to literally forever demoralize Hoggle by putting him in the bog of eternal stench not to mention constant manipulation. Willing to allow Sir Didymus live a lonely and unfulfilling life and allow his goblin minions to torture Ludo for legit nothing._

_How do you think he's going to react to treason on that kind of large scale?_

One of either two things happen. Jareth remains owl forever in which case goblins wreak havoc in the natural world and monsters like Ludo are put in cages as they have no place to get back to.

Or if you factor in that the comics have a human Jareth again it means he returned to be King again. Which means all that helped Sarah are fucked and life for the Underground gets realllllll difficult.

 

And then the main main main problem to conclude:

HOW THE FUCK DID SARAHS DAD ROBERT AND HIS DICK WIFE OR TOBY IN THE LITERAL ADJACENT ROOM NOT HEAR HER PARTYING WITH EVERYONE?

(Don't say it's all imaginary. Don't. We're passed that).


	2. Questions and answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> K BUT LIKE SOME THINGS WERE REALLY SMART AND NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE PICKED UP ON IT  
> And other things were either silly or dumb and again not a lot of people picked up on it.

THE RIDDLE:  
1\. The first one in the movie is Hoggles. "Which way would you go?" "Me? I wouldn't go neither way"  
If you ain't going left or right then it's forward or backward and guess how Sarah gets into the wall

We all took this lil tidbit for granted.

2\. IN THE BOOK IDK ABOUT YOU BUT I GOT TROLLED WHEN SARAH REACHES THE GATE SHE CANT OPEN THE DOOR AND THERES A KEY AND SARAH CANT PICK UP THE KEY TO OPEN THE DOOR AND I LITERALLY SAT INWARDLY SCREAMING "jfc lift bro" AND HOGGLE IS LAUGHING IS ASS OFF AND HE LITERALLY JUST PUSHES THE DOOR OPEN LIKE JUST BECAUSE THERE'S A KEY DOESNT MEAN YOU HAVE TO USE IT AND THAT WAS FAR TOO PHILOSOPHICAL AND I WASNT PREPARED.

3\. Sarah names the four guards "Alph, Ralph, Jim and Tim" for literally no reason at all she doesn't even speak the names aloud and it's literally me.

4\. The short staff with the crystal on the end that Jareth carries is called a "swagger stick," and the crystal was designed to resemble a microphone. JARETH LITERALLY ALWAYS HAD SWAGGER. (Also can we note that the influx of glitter in Jareths introduction scene is completely unnecessary, totally extra, and absolutely 100% relatable).

5\. ALL THE FACES WE SEE OF BOWIE THROUGH THE MOVIE AGAIN 100% EXTRA BUT LIKE WHAT IF ALL THE TIMES WE SEE HIS FACE ARE TIMES WHEN SHE'S BEING WATCHED THROUGH THE CRYSTAL BALL IF IM CORRECT SCENES LIKE THAT ARE NEAR EACH OTHER MAYBE ITS BEEN A WHILE IM SORRY OK

6\. The Wisemans hat is severely underappreciated and I'm not okay with that that hat was the sassiest character I have ever come across please love him a lil more fandom.

7\. In the scenes where we see Sarah's room, we see Jareth with another woman and this is shown in the book to be Sarah's mother's boyfriend Jeremy.  
/Jeremy/ guys. Mundane Jareth AU anyone? 

8\. ALSO LIKE A SAD THING IS THAT BOOK DIDYMUS JUST WANTS FRIENDS TO ADVENTURE A LONG TIME WITH BECAUSE HES LIKE LIVED HIS LIFE AT THE BRIDGE OF THE BOG OF ETERNAL STENCH WITH NO ONE BUT AMBROSIUS BECAUSE HES SWORN TO DO HIS DUTY AND THAT LITERALLY MAKES ME WANT TO CRY CAN SOMEONE PLEASE PROTECT THIS BEAN

9\. Not really affiliated with the rest of this fic but like autistic Sarah Williams who's with me


End file.
